Monday, October 14, 2013

Blog has been moved!

Hey, everybody. For a number of reasons, I've decided to switch my blog from here at Blogger to over at Wordpress.

So if you'd like to keep reading things from me, you should head on over there!

Monday, September 23, 2013

Constant misgendering and clothing

When I first found out I had genderweirdness, I thought I was trans*. So I started dressing like a dude and wearing dude deodorant and all that. Then, after figuring out I'm genderqueer, I still went a really long time without wearing skirts or dresses or anything.

I've been wearing dresses and skirts a lot more lately.

At first I was doing it because I know Degon likes it and I enjoy doing things he likes. (Plus, if it gets me laid once in a while I'M NOT COMPLAINING.) For a long time it was still really uncomfortable but I would still do it once every couple months. NEVER outside the house, though.

More often, then finally outside the house. Then enjoying being Degon's "sexy wife" in public where people could see us. Reveling in the incitement of jealousy and the acknowledgement that this body I have is quite attractive.

And now I do it regularly. I'm wearing a dress right now, because it was easy to throw on and I like feeling good about how I look.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

There is no cure

Depression is a disease. Like many other diseases, it has a set of symptoms which are fairly consistent. It can be hard to diagnose because we don't understand the brain very well and symptoms of mental illnesses can overlap and there's really no way to tell except to talk to you. Once diagnosed, it can be treated with therapy and medication and maybe get better over time.

But there is no cure.

Today has been up and down for me and this is my most recent thought on the subject. You know, among the many other blog post ideas I've had involving depression over the last couple days.

While trying to cope with the reality that I have this disease that won't go away; that I'll have to deal with for years; that I can barely see past an hour from now and I have no idea how I'm supposed to move YEARS forward, my brain hands me this piece of information. That there is no cure for my disease.

Cut out the cancer and it's gone. It might grow back, or pop up somewhere else, but it's gone.

But not for depression.

I can't excise a piece of flesh to terminate the illness; I can't be lobotomized with any hope of recovery.

There is no insulin injection to keep it at bay.

I haven't had a truly "good" day in.. I don't even know. Weeks? Months? My occasional chattiness or spurts of writing don't really reflect my brainspace. I hardly ever miss work and I always get out of bed in the morning. I give many appearances of being collected.

But I am so broken. Scattered, like stardust in the sky. The appearance of beauty in the whirling flecks of chemicals and light, with no history to tell you about the life-giving star that once was.

I don't even know what I'm doing any more.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Having energy + depression

When you have depression, it kind of feels like being tired and sick all the time. It works in weird ways; I'll be super hyper after sleeping very little (which is very rare right now) or I can be grouchy after being fairly well rested. It's not always predictable. 

Last summer, I was drinking at least a couple of Monster energy drinks every week. Especially at work. I was trying to get my sleep schedule set and I was willing to do pretty much anything to feel productive. Hence, energy drinks. 

At some point I realized I was self-medicating but I was pretty much okay with it. It seemed like a justifiable means to the ends of being sane for a little while. Definitely related: Degon has told me several times that imbibing caffeine doesn't actually give you energy, it just makes you think you have energy.

I promise there's a flow here. </segue>

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Means for motivation?

I just had a pretty funny idea that might motivate me to blog on this website more often--I subscribed to it on Feedly. XD

So now I can look at my feed and wonder "Hey it's been a while since I read anything from.. wait..."

Plus, the most recent six posts were like "26 days ago, 14 days ago" up until the most recent, and seeing it tell me how long it's been since my last post is hopefully going to be a strong motivator. We'll see!

VIDEO: Stop conflating mental illness with religious fundamentalism!

Alright, you guys know I make videos sometimes.

Well, recently Miri brought to my attention that Dave Muscato likes to say things that misconstrue the actions of religious people to be due to mental illness. Since this is not only WRONG but also stigmatizing and fallacious, I decided to make a video explaining exactly why one should not make this conflation.

Putting it below the fold:

Monday, September 16, 2013

Lifting: You work with what you have

I intend to blog after every time I lift, or nearly. I haven't been doing great so far because my mental state has been woahcrazywhatthefuck. I was crazy anxious for a bit and now all of a sudden I'm still feeling shitty but leveling out enough to actually do shit which is fucking amazing. I will FORCE myself to feel better, if I must.

SO YEAH I've been working out lately. This is two pictures of my workout sheet from this week: